First Love Letter to My Husband

September 3, 2017

My dearest husband,

I miss you so much. I thought I knew what it was like to miss you but after our family time, there is a piece of my heart missing. I find myself waiting on you to do things with me, to do anything, to have a drink of water, to share a cup of juice, to crawl in between the sheets and find you there, even to catch you in the bathroom doing whatever it is you do. I cannot eat without shedding tears because it is lonesome to eat without you. The shower feels empty and daunting without your hands washing my back. Night falls and anxiety riddles me and my tears search for an open door. My bed feels big and wide; I cannot get any rest because my arms endlessly search to cradle your tattooed body that  renders much security. I cannot stop seeing the vision of you in the morning, fresh, rolling towards me, eyes still closed faintly humming to greet me. I still remember the fragrance of skin oil fuming off your cheek. Oh, how I yearn to scratch an itch on your chin with your unshaven scruffy jaw. I want to continuously trace my fingertips on the edge of that jawline until I reach your lips and you effortlessly plant kisses in my palm. Oh baby, how I cry at each looming memory; how I miss every bit of you so much with a painful yearning no one can fix.

Is this how much Mary missed Jesus?

Is this how much mama had missed you and vice versa?

I miss you, my husband, and when you come home, I promise we will never be apart. Now, I understand why you feel the need to spend every moment with me when you come home. Separation is just not an option when we are too much in love and yet, in essence, love is the absence of separation. Does separation make love fonder? How could I bare to spend another moment from you? At our next family visit, I want to be glued that the hips with you. If you are trying to catch digital TV, I will stand next to you. If I am cooking, I will be holding hands with you. Every morning, I will find my way back into your arms if I wake up on the other side of the bed. I want to walk out of the bedroom with you to answer the call for count. And please, please, hold me close when you’re watching a movie if I happen to have fallen asleep. Should you sleep after I do, please scoot your body next to mine and let me be comforted by the weight of your embrace.

I miss you, my Peter. This short-lived mirage of a family life with you has created a plight within me. It is because we are so close to being home and yet, the anticipation makes it appear to be so far. I surrender to this indispensable truth that my life is no longer my own but ours. As from day one, you continue to effortlessly hold me. Like the autumn leaf falling to gravity as it is its destiny to whither so new life may abound, I fall and whither into you as our fate rises. You have put to rest, all big and small fears that I may never be happy in life. You have completed me and are even beginning to nurture the growth of my faith. I had always attested that in you, God has designed a husband, a lover, a bestfriend, a teacher more perfect than what I can conceive myself and you remain to be most doted gift from God.

Peter, my dearest, as I pray for you every night, may you be well. May you continue to find the beacon which will guide you to earnestly bear witness to Jesus’ love. Keep me in your heart and most importantly in your prayers until we gather in arms again. I love you, my cherished heart. Today, as I slay the day, may you remain by my side. Kuv hlub koj.

Aishiteru

These days, oh how these days are long and the nights indefinitely daunting. Each morning, I am scourged by the thought that I may not hear from you. The plight is inevitable and faith seems faceless, without a smile to cheer us on.

I refuse to be herded by the things they say and do not say. Sometimes, they make us sad, make us cry, anger us yet, we should just keep rebounding off the ground they push us upon. And I know that your heart is as exhausted as mine is, but with time and by withstanding trials, comes improvement. Somehow, our love will hold up.

We are going against the current, never an easy task. It is all painful and it tears me up inside. But knowing that I may lose you, I hold on even tighter. I am always crying 'cause it makes me ever too sad that you will be sad to be without me.

But we are connected by this sadness and it makes us love each other all the better. And when we have love, we only strive for it to be everlasting. Even when we are finally bidden to be together, to our last drop of blood, to forever, darling, we will die but this love will not. To you I say, not "I will love you", not "I have loved you", but aishiteru.

My Wedding Vows

With love in my air, I can't help it but be happy! I look forward to spending this special day with my beloved. He'll make all my dreams come true and I'll weep tears of joy. My heart will be fluttering and I'll be in white.


You are not a prince,
I don't need riches or gold;
You are not a knight,
I have nor face distress;
You are no angel,
I deal not with faithlessness

Instead it was a man
That I received

I prosper with your love,
It is the only royalty my heart yearns;
A gentleman, 
That I never need to contend
In bed or on the streets for heed
That for better or for worse
You are with me. 

Deluxe Ramen

Hello!

It's been quite some time since I've hopped on here. I've just been uninspired and lazy or maybe just trying to change my lifestyle. Whatever the case is, I'm back! I look forward to being more active on my blog. I hope to see you all around!

Look at my deluxe ramen dish filled with lots of vegetables. Vegetables are very so delicious and I'm getting older. Lol!

Crafts

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm in the wrong profession. I should go into art or something!! lol

Too much of anything isn't good!

After flattening my tummy for a bit, my curves are emphasized 

and it's too curvy for my taste and even my boobs are too big for my taste!! 

The Lonely Back Road

There is a particular countryside highway that I take to visit my love. This back road isn't taken by most and often times, I think I'm a lone traveler. Perhaps, once in a while, a few car will pass by here and there but the traffic is never stalling. The scene is full of farm land with two cluster of houses along that highway. The highway is so lonesome that I don't even see a sign that indicates what town I may be passing by. The highway is so lonesome and that I wouldn't dare travel it by the dark of night. The highway is so lonely that when I see even one single person working the land out there, I groan to myself that I'm not alone. I guess a perk of traveling this lonesome highway is because I feel that I can behavior however I like. This is the briefness where I take a moment to break laws about utilizing a cell phone when operating a vehicle, or break the speed limit. And I would still feel safe.

But this visit on April the 1st is a visit far different from all prior visits. Perhaps it had to do with the anxiety I was struggling with for the last two weeks. It may have been the downward spiral that my own bible study group cast me upon, or the immensity of receiving two rings from my love's mom, or was it the consistent confusion and self doubt I inevitably bear that may have tossed me into my own internal sea storm? I was just a ship that sailed out on a bright sunny day when I got with Tith but got lost and shaky at sea in those two last weeks. My confusion don't parallel with the oppression and disagreement of others. It's consistent with the fact that so much of my wants and desires are coming true and to be frank, I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm not quite ready; I can't embrace it yet. It's frightening.

It had rained the day and night before April 1st and on that morning, the eastern sky was clear and blue with its scattered puffy white clouds. The gleaming sun was the first thing in the sky to beckon my attention on that morning. As I was driving, the sun came along with nothing to block it, until I had to head west. Soon, I headed south and the sun was once again shinning at me from that crystal blue sky; to my right there's an overcast of gray clouds. Breaking the law as I usually normally do, I picked up my phone to check the lock down status of my love's building, not paying any mind to the weather or road conditions. By the time I looked up, my windshield was splattered with raindrops. I quickly struggled with the malfunctioning wipers. That only took a moment and then my windshield cleared up; I noticed a rainbow at a distance to my right. It was huge, vibrant, intimidating. I've always loved looking at rainbows and its bright colors but I've never for once in my life been so close to one before. I was just threw back by its grandness. I admire that piece of rainbow right in my view, just thinking about my love. And then I turned around saw the other end of the rainbow behind my car, also to the far right. I realized I was smack down in the middle of this grand rainbow. Finally, I see an entire rainbow, no part of it was blocked by the concrete industries of the city. This beautiful dragon* rose up right before me and I can see it end to end. Suddenly, I realize something. I'll see the end of this rainbow as I was driving.

So with the ever so popular Irish saying that at the end of a rainbow there is a pot of gold, metaphorically, I saw that Tith is my pot of gold. After all, I was driving to see my love, along the the rainbow and saw the ends of the light of the rainbow, beaming right from the ground or right down to the ground. With this thought, I couldn't be more excited about seeing the rainbow. And then I finally reached the end of the rainbow, driving so closely next to it, that if I had stopped the car and ran into that farm field, I could have been in the rainbow, the lights were so magnificent, so spectacular, overwhelming, I was actually scared. It felt supernaturally divine, with the sun shining on my left but rain poured on my car and gray skies to my right. I understand that scientifically, when the sun shines on rain droplets, it creates a rainbow on earth. However, I sincerely believe this rainbow was meant for me to see and appreciate.

After passing the rainbow, I turned around and looked at it a few more times and noticed it was fading away. I reflected on the meaning of a rainbow. According to Christianity belief, a rainbow is God covenant of peace to mankind, to never wipe out mankind on the face of the earth again. But the significance of the rainbow is more than just a covenant after the great world wide flood. It's God's promise of forgiveness and love to mankind. This is how I came to believe that God had reached out to me, to assure me in my current situation. Seeing this rainbow is the most compelling experience I've ever had. All my prayers for guidance, comfort, and assurance, was given to me when I saw this rainbow.

I know this rainbow was a sign from God himself; a sign to give me peace and assurance, to show love and forgiveness, not just for me but for Tith as well.

 

dragon*- In Hmong cultural, the rainbow is referred to as a dragon for its bright colors and immense size.