Warrior

My good friend had lost her son to suicide recently. I was touched by his death because this is the closet suicide has occurred to me. The tragedy of suicide is that a life could have easily been saved. So when someone comes to you about suicide, validating their feelings is something easily done that could save their life.

Fact: 90% of those who commit suicide have an underlying mental illness. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.
Fact: Stigma is a feeling of shame or judgement from someone else; in this case, judged just because they have a mental health condition. Stigma is cited as a primary reason why many people do not seek help when they experience symptoms of mental illness.

The first step to getting help is to SAY IT OUT LOUD. Remember, you are not alone!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)
[url=http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/]http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/[/url]

Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
[url=http://www.crisistextline.org/]http://www.crisistextline.org/[/url]

NAMI help line - 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
[url=https://www.nami.org/]https://www.nami.org/[/url]

[b]Warrior[/b]

In your mama’s eyes, you were a warrior.No one knew how long you had been in this war, did you? Your warrior calls did not go unheard but misunderstood. Wounds did not surface on your dermis so we did not see. And finally, you went into that long goodnight as we remain at the threshold wishing to hear your one last cry.

Your mama, she cannot forget you, even if she dies. Her heart has been incinerated the day you separated, and yes, you said you did not want to hurt anyone but here we are, in this situation, stuck in the irony of your proclamation. Still, we pray you have peace in your heart, as we forgive you today and every day. I️ do not want to wear you like a scar but it is the only place I️ will see you anymore. I️ will hear you when the birds sing and touch you in the morning dew because you will never be gone.

First Love Letter to My Husband

September 3, 2017

My dearest husband,

I miss you so much. I thought I knew what it was like to miss you but after our family time, there is a piece of my heart missing. I find myself waiting on you to do things with me, to do anything, to have a drink of water, to share a cup of juice, to crawl in between the sheets and find you there, even to catch you in the bathroom doing whatever it is you do. I cannot eat without shedding tears because it is lonesome to eat without you. The shower feels empty and daunting without your hands washing my back. Night falls and anxiety riddles me and my tears search for an open door. My bed feels big and wide; I cannot get any rest because my arms endlessly search to cradle your tattooed body that  renders much security. I cannot stop seeing the vision of you in the morning, fresh, rolling towards me, eyes still closed faintly humming to greet me. I still remember the fragrance of skin oil fuming off your cheek. Oh, how I yearn to scratch an itch on your chin with your unshaven scruffy jaw. I want to continuously trace my fingertips on the edge of that jawline until I reach your lips and you effortlessly plant kisses in my palm. Oh baby, how I cry at each looming memory; how I miss every bit of you so much with a painful yearning no one can fix.

Is this how much Mary missed Jesus?

Is this how much mama had missed you and vice versa?

I miss you, my husband, and when you come home, I promise we will never be apart. Now, I understand why you feel the need to spend every moment with me when you come home. Separation is just not an option when we are too much in love and yet, in essence, love is the absence of separation. Does separation make love fonder? How could I bare to spend another moment from you? At our next family visit, I want to be glued that the hips with you. If you are trying to catch digital TV, I will stand next to you. If I am cooking, I will be holding hands with you. Every morning, I will find my way back into your arms if I wake up on the other side of the bed. I want to walk out of the bedroom with you to answer the call for count. And please, please, hold me close when you’re watching a movie if I happen to have fallen asleep. Should you sleep after I do, please scoot your body next to mine and let me be comforted by the weight of your embrace.

I miss you, my Peter. This short-lived mirage of a family life with you has created a plight within me. It is because we are so close to being home and yet, the anticipation makes it appear to be so far. I surrender to this indispensable truth that my life is no longer my own but ours. As from day one, you continue to effortlessly hold me. Like the autumn leaf falling to gravity as it is its destiny to whither so new life may abound, I fall and whither into you as our fate rises. You have put to rest, all big and small fears that I may never be happy in life. You have completed me and are even beginning to nurture the growth of my faith. I had always attested that in you, God has designed a husband, a lover, a bestfriend, a teacher more perfect than what I can conceive myself and you remain to be most doted gift from God.

Peter, my dearest, as I pray for you every night, may you be well. May you continue to find the beacon which will guide you to earnestly bear witness to Jesus’ love. Keep me in your heart and most importantly in your prayers until we gather in arms again. I love you, my cherished heart. Today, as I slay the day, may you remain by my side. Kuv hlub koj.

Aishiteru

These days, oh how these days are long and the nights indefinitely daunting. Each morning, I am scourged by the thought that I may not hear from you. The plight is inevitable and faith seems faceless, without a smile to cheer us on.

I refuse to be herded by the things they say and do not say. Sometimes, they make us sad, make us cry, anger us yet, we should just keep rebounding off the ground they push us upon. And I know that your heart is as exhausted as mine is, but with time and by withstanding trials, comes improvement. Somehow, our love will hold up.

We are going against the current, never an easy task. It is all painful and it tears me up inside. But knowing that I may lose you, I hold on even tighter. I am always crying 'cause it makes me ever too sad that you will be sad to be without me.

But we are connected by this sadness and it makes us love each other all the better. And when we have love, we only strive for it to be everlasting. Even when we are finally bidden to be together, to our last drop of blood, to forever, darling, we will die but this love will not. To you I say, not "I will love you", not "I have loved you", but aishiteru.

My Wedding Vows

With love in my air, I can't help it but be happy! I look forward to spending this special day with my beloved. He'll make all my dreams come true and I'll weep tears of joy. My heart will be fluttering and I'll be in white.


You are not a prince,
I don't need riches or gold;
You are not a knight,
I have nor face distress;
You are no angel,
I deal not with faithlessness

Instead it was a man
That I received

I prosper with your love,
It is the only royalty my heart yearns;
A gentleman, 
That I never need to contend
In bed or on the streets for heed
That for better or for worse
You are with me. 

Deluxe Ramen

Hello!

It's been quite some time since I've hopped on here. I've just been uninspired and lazy or maybe just trying to change my lifestyle. Whatever the case is, I'm back! I look forward to being more active on my blog. I hope to see you all around!

Look at my deluxe ramen dish filled with lots of vegetables. Vegetables are very so delicious and I'm getting older. Lol!

Crafts

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm in the wrong profession. I should go into art or something!! lol

Too much of anything isn't good!

After flattening my tummy for a bit, my curves are emphasized 

and it's too curvy for my taste and even my boobs are too big for my taste!! 

The Lonely Back Road

There is a particular countryside highway that I take to visit my love. This back road isn't taken by most and often times, I think I'm a lone traveler. Perhaps, once in a while, a few car will pass by here and there but the traffic is never stalling. The scene is full of farm land with two cluster of houses along that highway. The highway is so lonesome that I don't even see a sign that indicates what town I may be passing by. The highway is so lonesome and that I wouldn't dare travel it by the dark of night. The highway is so lonely that when I see even one single person working the land out there, I groan to myself that I'm not alone. I guess a perk of traveling this lonesome highway is because I feel that I can behavior however I like. This is the briefness where I take a moment to break laws about utilizing a cell phone when operating a vehicle, or break the speed limit. And I would still feel safe.

But this visit on April the 1st is a visit far different from all prior visits. Perhaps it had to do with the anxiety I was struggling with for the last two weeks. It may have been the downward spiral that my own bible study group cast me upon, or the immensity of receiving two rings from my love's mom, or was it the consistent confusion and self doubt I inevitably bear that may have tossed me into my own internal sea storm? I was just a ship that sailed out on a bright sunny day when I got with Tith but got lost and shaky at sea in those two last weeks. My confusion don't parallel with the oppression and disagreement of others. It's consistent with the fact that so much of my wants and desires are coming true and to be frank, I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm not quite ready; I can't embrace it yet. It's frightening.

It had rained the day and night before April 1st and on that morning, the eastern sky was clear and blue with its scattered puffy white clouds. The gleaming sun was the first thing in the sky to beckon my attention on that morning. As I was driving, the sun came along with nothing to block it, until I had to head west. Soon, I headed south and the sun was once again shinning at me from that crystal blue sky; to my right there's an overcast of gray clouds. Breaking the law as I usually normally do, I picked up my phone to check the lock down status of my love's building, not paying any mind to the weather or road conditions. By the time I looked up, my windshield was splattered with raindrops. I quickly struggled with the malfunctioning wipers. That only took a moment and then my windshield cleared up; I noticed a rainbow at a distance to my right. It was huge, vibrant, intimidating. I've always loved looking at rainbows and its bright colors but I've never for once in my life been so close to one before. I was just threw back by its grandness. I admire that piece of rainbow right in my view, just thinking about my love. And then I turned around saw the other end of the rainbow behind my car, also to the far right. I realized I was smack down in the middle of this grand rainbow. Finally, I see an entire rainbow, no part of it was blocked by the concrete industries of the city. This beautiful dragon* rose up right before me and I can see it end to end. Suddenly, I realize something. I'll see the end of this rainbow as I was driving.

So with the ever so popular Irish saying that at the end of a rainbow there is a pot of gold, metaphorically, I saw that Tith is my pot of gold. After all, I was driving to see my love, along the the rainbow and saw the ends of the light of the rainbow, beaming right from the ground or right down to the ground. With this thought, I couldn't be more excited about seeing the rainbow. And then I finally reached the end of the rainbow, driving so closely next to it, that if I had stopped the car and ran into that farm field, I could have been in the rainbow, the lights were so magnificent, so spectacular, overwhelming, I was actually scared. It felt supernaturally divine, with the sun shining on my left but rain poured on my car and gray skies to my right. I understand that scientifically, when the sun shines on rain droplets, it creates a rainbow on earth. However, I sincerely believe this rainbow was meant for me to see and appreciate.

After passing the rainbow, I turned around and looked at it a few more times and noticed it was fading away. I reflected on the meaning of a rainbow. According to Christianity belief, a rainbow is God covenant of peace to mankind, to never wipe out mankind on the face of the earth again. But the significance of the rainbow is more than just a covenant after the great world wide flood. It's God's promise of forgiveness and love to mankind. This is how I came to believe that God had reached out to me, to assure me in my current situation. Seeing this rainbow is the most compelling experience I've ever had. All my prayers for guidance, comfort, and assurance, was given to me when I saw this rainbow.

I know this rainbow was a sign from God himself; a sign to give me peace and assurance, to show love and forgiveness, not just for me but for Tith as well.

 

dragon*- In Hmong cultural, the rainbow is referred to as a dragon for its bright colors and immense size. 

Rediscovery

I went searching through my patio and found some neat stuff:

-A brand new, never used 240 art piece set
-A brand new Victorian style photo album
-My old CNA Gait belt
-A photo album of my father's first video production

Very unique and interesting! I love rediscovering things!

Failure is the Pillars of Success

"I've missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot . . . and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
--Michael Jordan

Weekly Goal

Yay! I did it! I'd reached my weekly goal, that is to lose 5lbs! 


Despite the over eating at the potluck, the consumption of cups of noodles, pork belly, I still reached my goals! 


I'd have to say, this loss is owed to the walking I was doing at school! 


Another week, another 5 lbs! 

I'll Be Here

Gosh, this picture speaks so much volume! When I first saw it, I thought of my friend Marlene 'cause she loves pandas! They are so cute and cuddly! I had to link the picture to her FB.


And then I thought of a couple, working together to accomplish a task. And then I was flooded with thoughts of me and Tut. I can't help it. I'm always there for him, doing what I can do. I don't think I've ever refused his call before. I want to be able to see him through what he's going through. I don't want to fail this task. Like all great and strong things, we can only be destroyed from within, God forbid.


But these two pandas look like siblings or even a pair of good friends, just lending a hand. *sighs* All the emotions that runs through me simply can't be express. I absolutely love this photo!


But overall, they are pandas, just probably doing what pandas do!

New Year, New Resolutions

Here's to a new year, a new, better, and improved you! 
My resolutions are still the same but to improve at it. 

-Control diabetes
-Save money
-Keep a healthy and sensible diet
-Continue to focus on and accomplish weight loss
-Be dedicated to being active
-Stay focus on all goals and tasks

I've been having these same resolutions for about 2 years; this will be my third year. Each year, I get better at keeping my resolutions. 2011 was my most successful year. I believe Tut has something to do with it; he's always pushing me and reminding me of my goals. Thank you, love. In a sense, he's always nagging me but I'm still glad I get reminded to do well! 


For breakfast, I get no easier break than to have a simple and delicious fruit and veggie juice! 

2 celery, 1 green apple, and 2 carrots

And for lunch, I'll have 1 serving of whole grain oatmeal with apple bites, raisins, and sliced almonds! (Not pictured)

Here's my dinner, a part of my change is to have more veggies and less meat. 

Chicken wing is my substitute for breast! 

In between meals, I'll snack on prunes to help with digestion. And I'll have peanuts to sustain hunger! 

Here's a breakdown of my intended weekly workout schedule:

Sunday: AM 1.5 hour workout

Monday: Rest

Tuesday: Rest

Wednesday: 6AM 1 hour workout

Thursday: 6AM 1 hour workout

Friday: 6AM 1 hour workout

Saturday: AM 1.5 hour workout

As for saving money, I'll have to purchase a safe box with a lock so I can save cash. Throughout my years of attempting to save, I keep drawing funds from my savings account into my checking, hence, I can never save! And since I don't like using cash, I'll unlikely take the money from the safe box to spend. Moreover, if I store the money away, don't see it, and don't think about it, I most likely would not use it! I'd like to save about $100 a month! 

As for the rest of my resolutions, I know I have to diligently work at them. I want to make my resolution a permanent change, a lifestyle change as opposed to just an annual resolution. 

Good luck folks! 

An Outdoors Evening With The Boys!

Today, our power went out (PG&G's behalf) so I took the boys outside. First we visited the play ground.

Vang whined 'cause he had to wait for us to 

adjust the swing. 

Lee always have a good time! 

Finally smiling after he was pushed high in the swing. 

And then we went to the garden. I had the boys helped with picking 

mustard greens for their grandparent's dinner. 

And I made boiled pork with mustard greens; 

the lemon grass gives the soups so much freshness! 

And upon going inside, Lee grabbed his long lost friend, 

"cock-o-dial" and took him home. 

It's nice to spend time with the boys and be active with them but gosh, when someone else bothers them so much and they cry and cry, I get so frustrated! I make them both sit down at the kitchen table and eat their dinner without any television (which their parents always allow) 'cause I was so frustrated! By turning off the T.V., Lee ate hastily and didn't complain at all! I shall turn it off more often! 

I Found Love

Hopeless as it may seem, there's no turning away.

Our Christmas Cards

Something sentimental for keepsakes. 

I miss Tut, finally.

The amazing body goes into shock when we experience trauma so we can survive. This explains your sense of calmness, numbness.

I miss Tut. I'm no longer in shock.

Plus Size Fashion

Terrified

When you love someone, the most terrifying thing isn't that they won't love you back but that they actually do.

We finally embraced for the first and second time on 10/22/11. I don't think it was anything special but it sure is real. 

Meeting Destiny

How would you feel, how would you react knowing you'll be meeting the person you're destined for?

Just 16 more hours and we'll meet. I can't say he's my destiny but I'm anxious.

Thanks for this very special song by Lady Antebelllum, butterflies are swarming my stomach.